How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
