he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
