I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Randomize
