sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize