And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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