I think I am morally bankrupt
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
