i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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