Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
