I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
