Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
