Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
