fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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