Just fell off a train. Bad.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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