God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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