I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
