i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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