Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
