I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize