we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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