I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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