I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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