There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
