Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
