Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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