turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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