when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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