I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
