She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
