I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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