Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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