Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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