help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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