we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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