when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
