I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
