so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
