At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
