I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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