Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize