final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
