If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
they're like a gay fantastic four
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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