just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
