I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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