oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
