I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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