Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
