woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
