We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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