When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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