The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
