Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
