he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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