ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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