pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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