I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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