whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
